we are all special now
i have been pondering the prevalence of children who cannot get through a school day without being individually micro-managed, and whose intelligence and self-governance seem compromised. what is causing the pervasive breakdown in our kids' abilities to function under normal circumstances? are they really all in need of special services and accommodations? or is something else going on here?
don't get me wrong; i am emphatically not a fan of conventional education or strict authoritarian child management. i suspect that the spectrum of "normal" behavior is much broader than it has been defined traditionally. clearly, things like autism or birth defects are an unfortunate reality for some families; but autism is a heartbreaking, serious disorder, and most birth defects are thankfully rare. the behaviors i am discussing are not the result of some organic problem or disorder, and to treat them as such does a disservice both to the people who have such real challenges to deal with and to the kids who should be fully functional but are not.
the classrooms and daycares are now full of kids who either are on medication for behavioral issues or who act as though they might need it. i question both. that there are a few children who may need medication in order to sit still and learn is possible, but that kids need to be drugged to function in the numbers that actually exist is a travesty of parenting and medical best practice. and there are loads of kids who lack normal, age-appropriate social skills. why can't we address the real issues here?
my daughter is in a very small school. her combined classroom, comprising grades 4 through 6, consists of 8 children. there should be virtually individual attention at this level, one would think, so they aren't falling through the cracks of a huge classroom. it's a montessori school, so they aren't suffering from an outmoded educational environment that requires active kids to sit still in rows of desks all day long. multiple learning styles are addressed. these are all kids from reasonably affluent homes, so in theory they aren't underfed. (though in america, kids and adults can be affluent and yet very poorly nourished due to the crap that people eat.) yet out of this small and presumably coddled sample, the majority are considered to require special accommodations of one sort or another---if not by the school, then by their parents.
i am not excluding myself here, as i have for several years wondered if my daughter has some kind of subtle cognitive processing problem. she's not dyslexic; she reads and comprehends very well, but she makes a lot of errors when asked to transcribe something, and her writing, while inventive and engaging, lacks proper grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. she also forms all her letters and numbers backwards; they look correct, but she physically writes them the opposite of the way everyone else would. does it matter? probably not. and as for her transcription errors, etc, maybe she's just careless. i'm working on it with her. but she can get through her day just fine. her behavior is very good. she is attentive, polite, considerate of others. she does her work without having to be told repeatedly. she doesn't disturb other kids. she respects the teachers and the classroom environment. she doesn't cause disturbances, break things, make random noises, throw tantrums when frustrated, speak rudely and sassily to the teachers if corrected. this is not because i am such the parent of the year, but simply because in raising her i did have some basic standards and expectations. i didn't humiliate or beat her. my household is not a draconian environment. i am not an advocate of those scary child-rearing manuals that dictate where and how babies should sleep or hot-housing "baby mozart"-type early academic crap. on the contrary, i'm a dedicated opponent of all that stuff. i merely expected and reinforced good behavior, and did not expect or allow bad behavior. i assumed that my daughter's passable, normal conduct was just that---normal. i believed (and still do) that each normal child's birthright is loving, attentive, responsible care, in a reasonably clean and tranquil home environment, resulting in proper socialization and age-appropriate skills.
however, in these things she is an exception! the majority---not a few "problem" kids, but the majority---of the children do not demonstrate these basic signs of proper socialization. they roam about, they destroy stuff, they are rude and insubordinate, they don't complete their assignments, they can be obnoxious and aggressive in the classroom and on the playground, they demonstrate behaviors that might go unremarked (though not uncorrected) in kindergarten---but these are 9 to 12 year old children. only one child in the lot may have an actual organic reason to be this way; he had a complicated delivery and may have suffered from insufficient oxygen during it. the rest of them are medically fine. one of them can't sit still or pay attention for two minutes. actually, that applies to at least four of them. one of them just doodles or aimlessly stares around instead of listening and doing her tasks. this goes largely uncorrected, though why, i cannot say. she is mouthy and rude to everyone too, teachers included. four or five of them have been professionally assessed for various things: the results being in each case that they are not performing at grade or age level, but always this is attributed to their having special needs, though not anything that registers on any assessment scale or medical or psychological screening. one girl is seeing a psychologist (she's 11) for her "impulsiveness"---she throws fits when mildly frustrated, hits, breaks others' property, screams invective, refuses to do what she is told. um, i've known her for a while; these same behaviors were present and went uncorrected in toddlerhood, and now they wonder why she acts like this. one child brought two tennis balls to school each day (they have faces drawn on with marker and names) and declined to set them aside to do her work. they even appear in her lap in the class photo. she's not autistic, mentally retarded, or even under any particular stress. but her parents and apparently, teachers have not thought it desirable to suggest and/or require that she leave the damn tennis balls at home. two of these 4th graders pick their noses. one of them chews his shirt. one twirls and chews on her hair. many of the kids have appalling table manners and a general lack of normal social graces. some of them aren't even especially clean, even though none of us lacks hot running water at home. they eat like toddlers---little-kid food like chicken nuggets and bits of things you dip in icky stuff and those god-awful packaged "kid meals", and they eat everything with their hands even if the food item calls for utensils and those are provided. they constantly question why they should have to do any of the tiresome things they are asked to do, like putting their trash in the bin or completing an assigned lesson. they bitch at the teacher if she tells them to put on their coats for recess, and occasionally just refuse. a typical french lesson the other day showed only two kids paying attention and responding to the teacher's questions or directions. the others? two boys were rolling on the floor, grabbing each other's testicles and giggling. one kid drew a picture of a xmas tree on her paper. two girls had a conversation about various trivial things. one kid wriggled and played with her hair and never even looked at the teacher. they are learning nothing. not french, obviously, but also not how to behave with courtesy and not how to organize their minds or lives.
what the hell is going on here? how have we managed to produce a roomful of kids who just think they shouldn't ever have to do anything but what they happen to want to do at a given moment? who don't see a need to obey their parents or teachers? who can't eat decently, both as regards food selection and table manners? who are too idiotic to make good choices? who can't control their tempers? who diddle about and play instead of learning anything, and then still receive passing grades? and parents who feel so entitled that they also question the teachers at every turn and assume that anything and everything other than their own parenting is to blame for any deficits? parents who want to have children, but not do the work of parenting them? teachers and caregivers who might like to teach, or instill normal behavior and skills, but are prevented from doing so effectively? why do we tolerate a social structure that says we should have children and rear them to be productive, happy citizens, yet fails to facilitate the kind of parenting and childcare that makes that possible?
we are raising kids who have too much stuff, feeding them crap, filling their days with a zillion activities, medicating them, testing them, making them compete but not cooperate, rewarding them for stupid shit like being potty-trained or sitting through circle-time, alternately expecting too much and too little because most people aren't educated about child development and child needs, depriving them of true childhood but not teaching them how to grow into decent adults. we are teaching them how to feel empty, how to feel out of control, how to consume, how to make excuses. we are failing to teach them how to feel loved and whole, how to make choices, how to be responsible and compassionate, how to be capable. the scary truth is that the new normal is abnormal. it's implicit in policy now that this is just how it is. we are, our children are, all assumed to be incapable of getting through a day without meds and therapy and special guidance. why don't we expect more---from our society, from our children, from ourselves?
Help
Sign In
QaR
April 2008 
nofixedstars
Access: Public
