love...all the words i would use to describe it are inadequate. it's like trying to tell the nature of the universe by laying a few pebbles out in a pretty pattern. i find myself resorting to quotations from poets and novelists because it seems both safer and more satisfying. yet those don't always do justice to the depth of my feelings either. and when i feel the most, i have the hardest time saying what i feel. i can go on at length, poetically or prosaically, about mundane things. i can rhapsodize about the meal i had somewhere, the comfort of my bed, the sunrise. but when i want to tell someone how dear he is to me and how blessed i feel to be in his arms, i go mute. i can only resort to those 3 blunt and undescriptive words that are both overused and underused. i say "i love you" and my soul uncoils with joy at the truth of it and the rarity of the times i have had in my life to say so. i say it, and wonder if he knows how extraordinary it is for me to say it, how much it really means. i think so, i hope so, but i long for better words.

i must resort to quotes again:

"those three words are said too much, and not enough...i need your grace to remind me to find my own..."

"roar, lion of the heart, and tear me open."

"this night, there are no limits to what may be given...this is not a night, but a marriage."

how extraordinary it feels to find someone of the opposite sex who values you for what and who you really are...to be truly seen, as a whole human being, not just a superficially appealing person. to get the impression that someone would like to know more about you than what you look like without your clothing on. and to know that you are also appreciated without your clothing. to feel that someone likes you because of, not in spite of, the characteristics that make you uniquely yourself. to discover that your intellect is neither threatening nor boring to the other person. to be treated with respect and consideration. to find that the fact of having a child already in your life is not a negative factor to this other person. to be supported in the need to put the child first. even more, to see someone taking joy in the presence of your child! to be able to relax completely in this person's company. to share the same preferences, priorities, and values. to feel a contentment so encompassing that it makes the past years of sorrow and struggle irrelevant, because you are a stronger, more mature, more appreciative person for having gone through it. to be free of expectations of failure. to have your heart open to the immediacy of the intense present and the possibility of an enduring future. it's like someone transplanted a seedling tree from a too-small pot into a wide green garden with its own talmud-attested angel bending tenderly over it, whispering grow, grow...

in no particular order: the ground, the sky, running water, snow, rainy days by a fire, white horses, cats, children, trees, chocolate, indian food, music, books, art, dance, theater, colorful things, soft things, my bed, brave people, gentle people, struggling people, happy people, curious people, creative people, peaceful people, lilies, roses, stars, my daughter, my lover, my friends...

gender relations, unquestionably! so many people are impacted by various cultural, religious, or familial slants on how women and men should be... there are all these expectations about what it means to be a woman or what it means to be a man, and they are so limiting. they set up conflict between the sexes. they cause unjust, cruel, and exploitive behavior. sometimes, they directly impact the survival of children, as when people choose to limit the births of female infants, or feed baby girls less than baby boys, because their culture values boys more highly. they make it hard to live and raise children together without tons of personal conflict. they cause sorrow and hatred too, especially when people accept homophobic views. it's insane---i actually know men who will not wear a pink shirt because they think it will mark them as gay. and worse, they believe that being gay is some negative thing. i mean, wear whatever color shirt you like, for chrissake! and more importantly, love whomever you love! then there are all the negative things one is taught about being female, even today. and there are negative things about the expectations placed on men too. this stuff does no one any favors. i accept that there are cogent differences between men and women, biologically and neurologically speaking, but those things don't need to mean that we can't get along, play to our own individual strengths, and allow for a wide range of complementary functions. every time i see mainstream, mass-market children's clothing or furnishings/ toys catalogs, i am discouraged by how little progress has been made in the area of gender scripting. it may seem trivial, but i see it as a reflection of the status quo...the little girls' toys and furnishings and clothing are still largely pastels and flowers and princessy. they have dolls, toy appliances, "girly-girl" stuff, all in shades of pink, purple, and glitter. the little boys are to select from sports, nasty war toys, outdoorsy stuff, in a palette of primary colors or olive green. (or worse, camouflage, for the little warrior...) how does it serve us to raise most boys without letting them practice nurturing behaviors? or to raise the girls without the ability to set appropriate boundaries and find their strength? i know good men who have fought all their lives to accept themselves because they feel they are somehow different and thus less "manly" than the stereotypical guy in our culture. i know lots of women who have made crappy decisions because they felt obligated to act in certain ways to conform to the stereotypes of femaleness. and ask any gay people you know about navigating this culture...it's so screwed-up, and it does so much harm. let's level the playing field by tossing out the useless "girls are.../boys are..." iconography, and raise kids who can be who and what they are without limitation or fear. let them grow up into the unique men and women they will be, in a world where strength and gentleness are the province of both sexes.